Holy cow. This is the sort of thing you hate to wake up to. It's a Texas thing. I don't know if people in Minnesota would really care if this was the headline about their Governor's Mansion. I could be wrong. This building is beloved across the state, and known on sight by most of us.

A horrible loss. Houston has a very bad habit of tearing down historical buildings and replacing them with CRAP. But this one in Austin? This one belongs to Texas.

Labels: headlines, texas

I know, I know... I promised gore and open wounds. We'll get to that. Be patient. Just a reminder to those who can't take it: Look Out! I'm harboring photographs of the inside of my Very Own Personal Ankle!! With Exposed Tendon! And my Surgeon's FINGER TIP! Be afraid. In the meantime, the Democratic Campaign in 7 minutes:

Labels: headlines, medicine, personal urban drama, video

I am going to post this article in its entirety because it is so perfect from beginning to end. It has everything. Crime, reptiles, stupidity, audacity, and laconic law enforcement.

"Just a typical day in Brazoria"

April 15, 2008, 6:03PM

Alligator not the only unusual find linked to suspect

Brazoria inmate accused of trying to steal a TV also had a snake in his car, hair trimmer and video game device in pockets, authorities say

By RICHARD STEWART
Copyright 2008 Houston Chronicle


ANGLETON — When William Johnson made a couple of suspicious U-Turns at the intersection of Texas 35 and 288 early Sunday a state trooper pulled him over.

Then the trooper noticed a 6-foot alligator contentedly riding next to the back window of Johnson's car. Johnson said he found the gator on the side of a road.

But it was allegations that Johnson had been taking things out of a mobile home in the nearby town of Brazoria that sent him to jail on a burglary charge. Investigators found a hair trimmer and video game controller in his pockets.

Johnson, 30, and his fondness of reptiles, had already come to the attention of local police, Brazoria Police Chief Neal Longbotham said.

On Friday an officer responding to a call about a man bothering people in the parking lot of a local drive-through restaurant gave Johnson a citation for public intoxication.

Johnson said he was from Tennessee and was on his way to Corpus Christi. He said he'd stopped in Brazoria to work briefly for a tree trimming service.

Johnson advised the officer that there was a water moccasin snake in his car and that the snake had already bitten him on the hand.

An animal control officer found the snake and removed it, Longbotham said.

Johnson refused medical treatment for his hand.

Early Sunday a resident of a local mobile home park said Johnson knocked on his door and asked for help hauling a big television out of a mobile home, Longbotham said.

"The neighbor told him that's not your house," the chief said.

Then the neighbor noticed the alligator in the back seat of Johnson's car, Longbotham said.

Johnson left the television in the yard and drove away.

A few minutes later he was arrested by the trooper. He is now in the Brazoria County Jail, held on $25,000 bail on a burglary charge.

A game warden took the alligator away.

Johnson told investigators that he found the snake and the alligator on the sides of roads and picked them up because he has an interest in reptiles, Longbotham said.

"Just a typical day in Brazoria," the chief sighed.

And now, the funniest of all the comments left by the readers:

"You might be a redneck if..."

And the comment that took the words right out of my mouth:

"Hair trimmer?!?!"

Labels: headlines, texas

The body tote board for today according to the Houston Barnacle:

1 - leg found on the coast down by South Padre
1 - skull found on Hempstead Highway out by Hockley
1 - entire body, nude save two socks, wrists and ankles bound, floating in Galveston Bay near the Causeway.

And it's only 9:30pm! Hell - we could find the other leg, or maybe even a kidney between now and midnight!

Labels: headlines, texas

This was my "News of the Week" Photoshop entry this past weekend. The theme of my piece: "Housing Market Goes Down The Drain". The voting is still going on, but I'm 4th out of 19 right now so woohoo for me! So go hone your skills and join me over at FreakingNews for a little friendly Photoshop competition.

Labels: headlines, personal urban drama

Two things:

First: Woo Hoo! I just won a "Shadow the Trauma Surgeon" silent auction item at a charity gala. I'm going to get to spend the night at my ER alma mater, MemorialHermann Medical Center's Level I Trauma Center, shadowing a trauma surgeon and seeing up close and personal what his life is like at work.

I was talking with the surgeon's wife about the details. She said, "Do you want a shift that's really hectic and gory?", to which I said "YEAH!". She said I should choose a weekend night, a holiday if possible. I'm going to see if I can hang with Dr. TS on Saturday of Memorial Day weekend. I'm thinking that will be a nasty night in the trauma center.

Second: As you might have guessed from my glee under #1, I'm very much a tailgater when it comes to the infinite ways the human body can be beat up and put back together again (or...not). This was true even before I got crunched, and the internet has only made it possible for me to learn more. For instance, tonight I read a story about a man who lost control of his SUV. I'm putting the link to the article here but not the picture because it's pretty brutal, even though I wish it were higher res so I could zoom in. This one is special because of the story that goes with it:

The top rail of a chain link fence went through the vent window on his truck, through his lateral chest wall, through the seat, through the back seat, and through the floor of the jeep. At no time did he lose consciousness, and only complained of being slightly short of breath. Advanced Care Paramedics arrived and started IV fluid during the extrication. The patient could not be removed from his seat, so the patient and seat were removed from his vehicle as a unit. The patient underwent
immediate surgery and recovered fully.
The pt was not interested in keeping the seat.

Whoever wrote this has a wicked sense of humor. (Emphasis mine.)

Labels: headlines, medicine, personal urban drama

Sometimes a radio talk show will make you just flat out laugh like an idiot.

Yesterday it was Chris Baker. Just to amuse himself, he had opened up the show to Chupakaaaaabra, Bigfoot, Lady of the Lake, UFO freaks, etc. So this Rube calls in to talk about this guy he knows who had a Close Encounter a number of years ago.

Chris and The Rube talk about this guy for a while. The Rube tells about how he and the guy were out in the woods one night "wearin burt orange 'cause ya know we dint want tu get shot" when the guy went off by himself for a bit. He came back with a wild story about a UFO. The guy was covered with what later turned out to be radiation burns "he'us burt'n stuff liek-at". Apparently The Rube still knows this guy so Chris was asking about the guy, how his current health is, is he married, what kind of work does he do, etc.

THEN Chris asks "So is this a well rounded guy?" and - I swear I just totally swear I actually felt it coming - The Rube thought about it a moment and then answered "Naw he's about 6'4".


And now for something completely different:
P.S. Happy Anniversary to The Husband and me.

Labels: headlines, husband

On of the many, many, many, many reasons why I like college football so much more than pro these days.

Labels: headlines

So I'm scanning the news headlines this evening and I come across one that reads:

Scientists Locate Area of Brain That Activates Orgasms

And I think "Well hot damned!"

So I go to read the article and I realize that the headline actually says:

Scientists Locate Area of Brain That Activates Optimism

I'm just going to take that to mean that the area of my brain that is optimistic is also very interested in orgasms.

Labels: headlines, personal urban drama

When I woke up this morning and walked into the living room the first thing I did was look out into the back yard. I could see that the sun was up high enough for there to be a faint bit of dawn light revealing the trees and the fence. I thought "Oh well, the days are getting longer." I was almost to the kitchen before I realized that, it being October, the days are in fact getting shorter, not longer.

This caused me to look at the clock. Ooops. Overslept by 45 minutes. Then I remembered that when I woke up I was laying on my side, my arms wrapped around a pillow I had stolen from my long suffering husband. In my hand was clutched my cell phone, which I use as my alarm clock. This means that the cell phone alarm had been going off every four minutes since 6:00 a.m. and that I had been hitting the snooze button every four minutes since 6:00 a.m - which if you do the math - means that I had hit the snooze a total of about a dozen times. The next thought that struck me was that I was amazed that my husband hadn't beaten me to a bloody pulp by the fifth or sixth time.

So I had overslept. But I wasn't going to let it bother me. I got a diet Coke from the fridge, let The Black Dog out into the back yard so he could go kill a squirrel for breakfast, sat down in the living room and turned on the TV. The first words I heard from the Way Too Pretty To Be Anything But A Talking Head I Bet She's Never Actually Written A News Story In Her Life Because It Might Have Caused A Hair To Move Out Of Place anchor was "We're still watching the mashed potatoes."

I had a vague sort of hmmmm why are we watching them? Are they doing something? I've never found mashed potatoes to be terribly mobile. Or animated in any way.

I flipped channels. There's another Way Too Pretty but this one has Outtie Equipment Down There. He said "And don't expect to get downtown very fast taking 45 South - there was an accident at Crosstimbers and both left lanes are shut down while the hay bales are cleared out of the road."

OK. Hay bales and mashed potatoes that need watching. I couldn't help it. I flipped again.

This talking head gave a heartwarming story about a man whose pet goat had jumped a fence and run away. A kindly neighbor (who obviously does not know good cabrito when he sees it) had found the goat and returned it to the goat owner. The kicker of the story - there has to be an oh too cute kicker - is that the goat's name is Bean. And apparently the goat owner also owns a pot bellied pig, whose name is Frank. This means that:

The man owns a Jumping Bean

The man owns Franks and Beans

The man owns Pork and Beans

And yeah, the Talking Heads did take advantage of each of these opportunities. And I only got to work 15 minutes late. And The Black Dog ate Purina for breakfast cause he kills squirrels like a girl.

Oh I almost forgot!! The great mashed potato watch?? Apparently the "mashed" part was... ready? A PUN! Ha! HAHA! A potato pun! Before 7am! The audacity. An 18-wheeler had crashed on I-10. The 18-wheeler had been full of boxes of russet potatoes. The mashed part? Well, figure it out yourself.

Oh! And I DID forget one of the best stories...that Lohan girl? She has apparently gotten out of rehab for alcoholism. The news quoted her as making the following statement: "It was a sobering experience." Bwahahahahahahaha. It was at that point I left to get in the shower.

Labels: headlines, personal urban drama

No I haven't deserted you. But you know, sometimes life interferes with blogging. Things on my mind today:

Tacos al pastor with cilantro and onions from Taqueria Arandes. The one on 290. There are a lot of them in town and, even though they are a chain, the one on 290 is the only one that makes these tacos this way. You know, the right way.



_______________________________

These presidential "debates"? What a crock of shit. First, they aren't debates. I took debate in school. Ladies and gentlemen, this ain't it. Second - a common question this year is "How, in your brilliant high worthiness, would you fund your new wacko bullshit scheme to rebuild the American Health Care System (which isn't actually broken but that's another story)?" To which the answer, in one form or another, is always "I would take one third from the individual users, one third from taxes, and one third from the government".

Doesn't this make you want to go out and kill a wombat?? What do these people think - that we ALLLLLL are stooopid?

Let's see:

1/3 from individuals = Money out of your pocket directly.
1/3 from taxes = Money out of your pocket through taxes.
1/3 from the government = Money out of your pocket through taxes.

This equals 100% from you, the blind and foolish person, citizen, individual. Where do people think "government money" comes from? ARE YOU THAT STUPID??? Maybe you're the wombat I want to go out and kill.

_______________________________

Ever got an urge to go over to one of your best friend's house, stick her into a plastic trash bag, mold memory mesh screen to her breasts, and then plaster a life cast of them? Me, neither. BUT. My friend is in luuuuv. Bad luuuuuv. And she's also one seriously horny little girlfriend in luuuuuv.

So she decided she wants to dress up in the Leia slave costume for her boyfriend - you know - the one she luuuuuuvs. Off to the costume shops we skip. On to the net we surf. Then we have to take some nitroglycerin because we're both having heart attacks over the prices people want for these costumes. Holy. Cow.

Now, this is the friend who, a few years ago when I hand made valentine's papier-mache candy bombs and folded little origami boxes for them to live in until they were popped, came up to me with a deeply quizzical face and said "So. Do you just go home sometimes and.....craft????"

My answer was of course, yeah - you got a problem with that?

So I'm sitting around - actually I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep - when I was struck by in-spi-RATION. Let's mold her breasts!! Yeah!! We can MAKE a Leia slave costume!! I've spent enough time trolling the aisles of Michael's and Hobby Lobby to know that they have this memory mesh screen stuff and this pre-plastered cloth strip stuff. And I have tons of gold paint (naturally). And I've got the craft know how.

All these things came together one night when I went to my friend's house and felt her up. Now, I remember the first time I ever met this friend. It was in an all staff meeting at a job two jobs ago. I remember when she walked into the room and I heard her talk that I thought: Oh Wow this girl is so freaking cool and pretty and unbelievably SMART. I like her so much but she is so cool I know we'll never be friends. And here we are, six years later, me feeling her up. You just never know where life will lead. These two picks are of the first phase: The Feel Up Your Friend Phase. The first is the "Yeah haha I actually got her to wear a garbage bag" photo



The second is the "Wow this is what your tits look like molded in plaster!!" photo. As you can see, we've drawn on the basic outlines for the decorative gold swirls and I am now ready to do the build-up for those and cut out the actual pieces. Not pictured here is the girdle piece that goes over her butt.



I'll share more of "The Making Of" photos as I make progress.

Labels: cooking, cult, fashion, headlines, personal urban drama

I'm all for adventure. Go out there! Get that adrenaline pumping! Fly high, dive deep, fling yourself out there into the world and take a big sniff!

But you know? There's a lust for adventure and then there's just butt stupid. If you need a good reason not to go put yourself in the path of an enraged, charging, multi-ton, horned animal, here you go.

Labels: headlines

Hillary: You scare the holy crap out of me. And if you get your way, I won't be able to go to a doctor to get that fixed.

Labels: headlines, medicine

Beautiful. Just beautiful.


















Hey, I know hurricanes, OK? Born and raised on the Gulf Coast. Never lived further than 45 minutes from the brown sand and tar balls. Hurricanes? Tropical Storms? Volunteering for the Red Cross? Evacuating? Hoarding bottled water? HUNKERING THE FUCK DOWN? Been there, done that. Will do it all again many times in my life. Maybe even next week.

That guy up there? That's Dean. And yes, Dean is beautiful. When I look at the rings on a tree, or the thousand different shades of orange and pink in a sunset, or the endless forever off land filled with glaciers, what can I think other than "beautiful"? All forces of nature.

The tiniest little green and purple bug crawling on the windscreen of my car as I sit in traffic on Westheimer can delight me. I love to wake up in the morning and see the trails left by the snails that have snailed around in the condensation on my kitchen windows during the dawn. Thunder is primal.

In my life I have sat many nights listening to a transistor radio, turning the dials by candle light because the power lines have been blown down. I have filled my bathtubs with water, counted my canned goods, double checked my battery supply, and brought in all the patio plants so many times I can't remember them all. I have stood on Galveston Island holding photos from that 1900 storm, turning in circles, imagining away the Burger Kings and the Surf Shops and replacing them with the piles of wooden boards, the strewn bricks, the dazed survivors digging for their dead. I see the same buildings still standing that they saw. Old Red. Moody. St. Patrick's.

And still, that awesome swirl of wind and water is breathtaking. Still I stare into that perfectly formed eye as if I am looking deep into the heart of the universe.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not butt stupid. If I were on Jamaica my ass would have been on a plane three days ago going ANYWHERE but there.

Labels: headlines, personal urban drama, texas

I know a lot of people are pissed about the Harry Potter spoilers all over the internet so, if you haven't read this bestseller don't look.

Labels: headlines

Something you never thought you would hear:

The Husband and I have an American friend who works for an American company that is under contract to our military to provide engineering services for building or repairing roads and bridges - public infrastructure type things. He's been based in Afghanistan for a few years.

He recently requested a transfer to Iraq because it is safer there for Americans and the living conditions are much better.

Labels: headlines

Well it's flooding down in Texas....

Labels: headlines, texas, video

I just saw the video on Hillary's website where she and Billy spoof the final Sopranos. (Celine Dion? Aggggh!! I never envied the deaf before.)

Do Billy and Hillary not get the IRONY????

They are spoofing themselves!! Sopranos...Clintons...Thieving gangsters! S+C=TG. Don't the GET IT? Sheesh.

Labels: headlines

Damned but I can go on and on. I could talk to you for 45 minutes about how cool it is that the first time I used a new bottle of $5 face scrub I didn't close the top correctly. Since the bottle sits with the top down, it all leaked out in a stream down the wall of the shower and in a puddle on the shower floor before flowing down the drain. The cool part is that where it puddled there is a perfectly sparkling clean spot in my shower! Not that my shower is gross or anything but this particular spot now looks brand new! So I'm thinking about coating the entire enclosure with this stuff and leaving it there for a few days. How exciting!!

Brevity, however, can be just an facinating. My fellow cult member Lisa sent me a link to an article in Wired called "Very Short Stories".
The gig is that the writer asked various luminaries to write a short story using only six words, ala Hemingway. The results are often wonderful. Note:

Longed for him. Got him. Shit. - Margaret Atwood

It’s behind you! Hurry before it - Rockne S. O’Bannon

Epitaph: He shouldn't have fed it. - Brian Herbert

Thought I was right. I wasn't. - Graeme Gibson

Dinosaurs return. Want their oil back. - David Brin

Starlet sex scandal. Giant squid involved. - Margaret Atwood

Leia: "Baby's yours." Luke: "Bad news…" - Steven Meretzky

Labels: cult, headlines

I blatantly stole this from Red Ink: Texas.

Labels: headlines, law

You're trapped in a car that has been smashed to hell - the entire front end has been torn and crushed. You have, too.



It's rush hour in the fourth largest city in the country. Gridlock on the freeways. On a good day, in normal traffic, you're 30 minutes away from the nearest level one trauma center. Once you get cut out of your car. At 6 p.m. on a Monday it will take more than an hour to get your there by land. There is a local hospital about ten minutes from where you are, but if you are taken there you might not live. They aren't equipped or trained to help people who are hurt as badly as you are.

The Memorial Hermann Life Flight helicopter is called for while you're still trapped.



Finally, as you're strapped in for your first helicopter ride you are broken and bleeding, you are unconscious, you are helpless. Thanks to the Life Flight helicopter, twenty minutes after you are cut out of your car, you are in the Memorial Hermann Emergency Department being cared for by some of the most dedicated, talented, and experienced emergency medicine health care professionals in the world. They are your best chance at life. And you don't even know any of this is happening.

You owe your life, in truth, to James Henry Duke, Jr., Md. Dr. Red Duke. He is a legend in Houston. Without him, there would be no Life Flight helicopter to swoop out of the sky staffed with experts in their field to whisk you away to Hermann, to save your life.

The four helicopters that currently fly for Memorial Hermann are, on average, about 17 years old. They have thousands of flight hours. They have no GPS, no ability to download vital information to the emergency room that is your destination. Not a single one was designed to address the special needs of patients who are children. How many people do you know who drive a CAR that is seventeen years old?

The city of Houston encompasses more than 500 square miles. Life Flight services a 150 mile radius from Houston. They go all the way down to Victoria, over to Lake Charles in Louisiana, down to Galveston and up to Brenham. Just last weekend on the way home from Austin I witnessed a horrible accident on Highway 290 at 36 in Brenham that involved four people. One died. The other three were flown to Houston on Life Flight helicopters and they lived.

These helicopters fly more than 3,000 missions a year and are in such heavy demand that, on average, they must turn down over 100 requests for help because there just aren't enough helicopters and staff to respond to all the people in need. What if you are that person who doesn't get helped, who doesn't live because there just isn't help available. What if you are that person's husband? What if you are that person's mother? One quarter of all Life Flight patients are children.

The dream is six new helicopters and support facilities. The helicopters will cost $36 million dollars. It will cost an additional $1 million to build a new central dispatch and operations center, and to add a new operations base for the east side of town which doesn't have one right now. Another $3 million is needed to train staff, upgrade technology systems, and provide community education and outreach. Currently, more than $20 million has been raised toward a goal of $40 million.

You can't even imagine ever needing a Life Flight helicopter. Neither did I. You don't have to be rich to support this fundraising program. You just have to care. As you can see, I do.

Labels: accident, headlines, medicine, miata

Virgina Tech. Like most people, I had never heard of it before the murders there last week. No, I have not watched the video the murderer made to create his own legacy. The stories that will stay with me:














Professor Liviu Librescu, Hero, Survivor
1930 - 2007

From an emergency room physician who cared for one of the shooting victims. He said that the young man whose gunshot wound he was treating told him that the only reason he survived was because he was "buried under a pile of bodies" and that when the murderer stood over the pile, firing more bullets into it, his fellow classmate's bodies protected him.

From a firefighter who helped remove the bodies from the classrooms. He said that the thing that will haunt him is that, when he and his fellow rescue workers were carrying the murder victim's bodies out in body bags, they could hear the victim's cell phones ringing in the bags. He assumed that it was parents trying to reach their children.

Labels: headlines

You know that Quizno's commercial for their prime rib sub where they have that lovely young woman holding a sub in her hand saying "that's what real women need - more meat!" and then laughing the laugh that all men with dirty minds who understand the double entendre of her statement find so irresistible?

Well lemme tell ya, I agree. Meat is good food. Give me a rib-eye. I love some fajitas. Grilled chicken? I'll take two, please. So before I tell you about what I'm here to tell you about I wanted to make that perfectly clear. Meat = Food = GOOD STUFF. And that means somebody has to kill it. OK here we go.

The headline today is from Wisconsin, where a 20 year old man was found guilty of having "sexual contact" with a dead deer. He will most likely be branded as a sex offender (a title we usually reserve for rapists and sick pukes who diddle with children) and will definitely be required to undergo psychiatric treatment at a hard core crazy coop.

Let us first establish that banging a dead deer is just sick. Icky, yucky, too twisted to be a made up story, who the hell could ever think this was a good idea sick, or as my Cult Leader said: "EEEEYYYYeeeeeew". Now that that is clear let's go on.

This guy fucked a dead dear. Now he's a sex offender.

Guys go out into the woods every year, stalk deer, kill them, bleed them, chop them up, and stick the body parts in their home freezers while salivating at the thought of eating them in the future.

Theoretically, how is fucking a dead deer worse than that??? If we substitute the word "human" for "deer" all we have is a necrophiliac in the first instance. But c'mon folks! The second instance? What could be more Jeffey Dahmer?

Not that I would want to live next door to either I must say I would take Necro Boy before Dahmer any day of the week. It's all in your perspective.

Labels: headlines, opinion

OK kids, lets all sit back and watch Carol's head explode! Ready? BOOM.

Rick Perry is slime. He is a sanctimonious, hypocritical autocrat who goes to sleep in Merck's back pocket every night. He has handed down from on high an order requiring "Texas Schoolgirls" to get Gardasil vaccinations. He even went so far as to say that requiring Gardasil is no different than requiring polio vaccinations. Hmmm... I'm not an epidemiologist but I can put cervical cancer in one hand a polio in another and see that one is seriously different from the other. BIG FREAKING DIFFERENCE, Governor Goodhair*!!!

You know, a couple of years ago the Perry family sent out an official Holiday Card with a picture of Rick, Anita, and two kids. Sadly, the two kids weren't the Perry's kids. We in Texas decided that maybe the Perry family thought maybe their kids just weren't pretty enough? Not that that has anything to do with this jackboot governmental interference with a parent's right to direct a child's health care, I just think it is indicative of the kind of slime he is.

*We're gonna miss you, Molly!

Labels: headlines, medicine, texas

I'm not much of a TV person. Unless it's Thursday night at 9pm. The house goes into lock down mode from 9pm to 10pm. Lights are turned out, phones are not answered, if the place caught on fire I wouldn't budge an inch unless it made it to the living room and I'd be very pissed about that because I don't have a portable TV. ER is on. Leave me alone.

But this morning I woke up and for some reason turned on the TV. The local news was running. We had a visual from a helicopter. The voice over was "Life Flight is en route". About a mile from my home a train had hit the back of an 18-wheeler. The trailer was turned on its side but the cab was still upright. The train hadn't derailed. So I'm thinking, "Why Life Flight?". Then the helicopter moved to the other side of the trailer that was turned over. And we could see a black vehicle that was crushed under the trailer. One of the doors had been torn open and an EMT or paramedic was crouched in the side of the passenger seat. Which meant a person was in the driver side, under that turned over trailer. I'm guessing still alive since the helicopter was on its way, and since the rescuer seemed to be talking to someone in the vehicle.

The voice over then said something about the occupant of the SUV. SUV??? How could that be an SUV? It looked so small there under that trailer. It was obviously pretty crushed. I said a little prayer for the person in the SUV. My mind of course placed my Miata under that truck. Had that been me, the helicopter visual wouldn't have shown my little car under the trailer because it would be flat. The helicopter wouldn't be on its way. This is something I visualize almost every day when I have to go out and drive. I am terrified of those huge trucks. They're so big. I'm so small.

Then I remind myself that I've already been taken out of a Miata that, from looking at it, one would never think a helicopter would be needed. I remember that there was nothing left of the front of the car, but that the passenger compartment was fully intact. Even with a pick-up truck turned over on top of it.

This is why I seldom turn on the TV. This isn't what I want in my head this morning. I'm going to take a long, burning hot shower now and think about bunnies and fields of daisies, drops of dew hanging from my rose bushes, how clean babies smell, and the crisp perfection of dawn in the Hill Country. Yeah, riiiiight.

Labels: accident, headlines

It doesn't matter what your politics are, but I think we can all agree that Hillary, if she ever decided to do American Idol, would leave in tears.

Labels: headlines, video

Photographic proof that squirrels are training a secret guerrilla military as part of their plot towards world domination.

Labels: headlines

The following is reprinted from a "Letters to the Editor" column in Douglas County, Oregon. I don't think I could say it better myself.

I have a question not only for Douglas County, but for the entire state of Oregon. Like a lot of other folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as they see fit. In order for me to get that paycheck I am required to pass a random urine test, which I have no problem with.

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand I have nothing against helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem helping someone sit on their butt. Could you imagine how much money the state could save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

-Leonard Wilson
Riddle, Oregon

I am always delighted when I hear something that is a new idea that makes so damned much sense. You know, I was in Oregon about ten years ago and I really liked it. Hello, Austin. Are you listening? Yeah. Right.

Labels: headlines, opinion, texas

Houston radio sucks. It's just the truth. Back when I was but a wee girl, we had kick ass radio. KLOL 101 was the only radio anyone ever needed. Then in the 90's is started to get moldy. By the end of the decade it had already died a slow death and was finally put out of its misery not long after that. With its demise came the infection of Radio Viva Latino Spanglish Blah Blah (HEY PEOPLE - there ARE still people in Houston who aren't into Modern Country, Rap, or SALSA.)

So what's a girl to do when NPR isn't on? This one listens to right wing wacko talk shows. It's the best comedy available since the original Saturday Night Live cast (Jane, you ignorant slut). Speaking of Saturday Night Live...

(How's this for a segue?)

A couple of days ago all the wackos were beating the dead horse of Obama What's His Last Name Again coming out of the druggie closet. The opinions ran the gamut from "As long as he didn't commandeer a national guard crew to go rescue his ill gotten gains from a freezer during a natural disaster I'd vote for him", to "Bin Ladin is running for PRESIDENT?"

But one guy, oh man, this one guy (THIS is why I love talk shows) calls and says, in defense of Obama I guess, "Well it's a well known fact that Bush did cocaine. Yeah. Hell yeah. It's documented!"

The radio host questioned that, saying that it was alleged, it was bandied about, but that Bush never admitted it.

So radio caller wacko guy says: "Yes it WAS documented. It's a fact! It was on Saturday Night Live!"

Damned I need to be careful listening to this stuff while I'm driving. You ignorant slut.

Labels: clever blahblahblah, headlines, texas

With all the horror stories the news delivers ever day about criminals using guns to kill other criminals (Hello, Gang Wars!) it's Horror and Mayhem all over the place. When a homeowner uses a gun to lawfully protect his/her home and hearth, its is seldom heard of and never a lead on the nightly news. The headline inequity helps create The Sky Is Falling panic and screams of "Take away guns from people!". I still say if you take the guns away from lawful people, the only people who will have guns are the criminals, since you know, they don't get them lawfully anyway. Score one for the good guys! I think I'll go give my Ruger an extra coat of oil tonight just 'cause I can.

Apparent Robbery Goes Fatally Wrong
Copyright 2006 Houston Chronicle

Two men were fatally wounded and two others taken into custody early Wednesday after homeowners in east Harris County opened fire on them during an attempted robbery, the sheriff's office said.

Robert Deleon Jones and Jonathan Garcia were fatally wounded in the 3900 block of Crosby Barbers Hill about 2 a.m. Garcia died at San Jacinto Methodist Hospital, and the other man died at Memorial Hermann Hospital.

Investigators said they were told that Jones, Garcia and two other men had been attempting to rob the residents.

The unidentified homeowners apparently were within their rights protecting their property and will not be charged in the shootings at this time, sheriff's Sgt. N. Araguz said, but the surviving men — Charles Duran and Rodney Jones — face charges of aggravated robbery.

Labels: headlines, law, texas

So The Husband and I are sitting in the living room last night. He is channel surfing* and I am web surfing. The Black Dog is curled up on the sofa dreaming of eating yummy cats. We hear this big THUMP up on the roof. Then a little thump. We look at one another with questions in our eyes. I say, "Santa?" even though it's early for that sort of thing. Then The Husband says, "Bird?" and I think, Damned that's one hell of a bird! There are no California Condors on the Gulf Coast as far as I know. Then I suggest, "Maybe a joist in the attic fell and we're both gonna die when we get the repair bill?"

The Husband goes out to the yard and, in his best House Inspector manner (by the way, just as a hint, he IS NOT a house inspector - we leave that to Muzikdude). He comes back in and declares the roof to be free of fictional characters, massive flying animals, and anything else that would obviously cause us to do the impossible - find someone to crawl up on our roof on Christmas weekend and fix a big ass hole. Since the ceiling isn't caving in we assume there is no need to go up into the attic and personally hold up a joist.

A couple of hours later we are watching the local news. The Pretty Face says, "The Space Shuttle has successfully landed in Florida after having flown over Texas leaving a very impressive sonic boom in its wake." The Husband and I look at one another and say, "Cool".

*Hint: There is nothing and yeah I mean NOTHING worth watching on TV the Friday night before Christmas (even for a man who has seen Tremors 42 times) so hey, just give it up and go clean the kitchen , OK?

Labels: headlines, husband

Outrage and horror and cries of racism. All that led to the Houston Police Department going down the road toward Tazers. Various groups of people were screaming and shouting that HPD was shooting too many black people. So they got Tazers. This was to help protect the members of the force, the general public, and the scumbags who rob, rape, kill, and generally disregard other people's right to their own property, person, and life.

HPD shootings went down dramatically.

Flash to today. Outrage and horror and cries of racism. Now the SAME various groups are screaming and shouting that HPD is Tazering too many black people. Hey! I have a suggestion! Don't rob people! Don't rape people! Don't kill people! That way you won't get Tazered OR shot. Amazing concept.

Oh, and to the various groups of people shouting "racism", instead of making up your own statistics, listen to the statistics HPD puts out (hey, they're the ones that have the data) showing that there is no per capita difference in the races of people who are Tazered but the truth has never been high on the priority of people screaming racism.

I actually heard one idiot on the radio today saying that the only people who should be able to "police" black people are other black people in the community. This person said that all police officers are crooked, racist, prejudiced, and violent. I wonder if that includes all the black officers?

I mean, c'mon. Does anyone REALLY believe that a cop is going to shoot or Tazer a guy running at them with a knife if the guy is black, but offer to share a cup of hot chocolate with them if they're white? Holy crap.

Labels: headlines, law

The headline says: Can you get dear with a dead deer?

I believe this means the world is coming to an end. What do you call a necrophiliac whos willie is all about bestiality?

I'm sitting here trying to think of something sicker and it's hurting my brain.

You know it has to be really pathetic when your defense lawyer resorts to quoting Billy Crystal in his argument.

Labels: headlines

Since the Vicodin and Soma have worn off a little I'm taking a moment to have a ham and swiss sandwich (even though we both know I'll end up giving most of the cheese to The Black Dog), drink a diet coke, and blog a little before the pills I just swallowed kick in and it's back to sleepy time. It's headline day!

From the Houston Barnicle:

"Houston Mom Charged In Violent Death Of Daughter."
--Apparently Mom beat the girl to death with a sledgehammer while the girl slept in her bed. The story goes on to say the woman's other daughter, 4 years old, is with Child Protective Services. Well holy cow I hope so!

"Ford Set to Eclipse Reagan As Oldest Living President."
--Um, Reagan is dead. Maybe they haven't heard. And I'm thinking sure, this is what Gerald wants to be know as. "Hey, he managed not to die for a really long time!" Honestly I guess that's got to be better than "He pardoned Nixon!"

"If Guns'n Roses Can't Drink Onstage It Will Cancel Concert."
--A band spokesperson is quoted as saying the cancellation is the fault of the fire marshall for "making it impossible for the band to perform their show to the usual high standards that their fans deserve." I don't think this even needs a comment from me, does it?

"Drunken Elk Terrorizes Swedish Schoolchildren."
--I don't even know where to go with this one. Should I go with the "Swedish schoolchildren are WIMPS" road, or should I take the obvious "Homeland Security can help with this one! Take that terrorist ruminant to Abu Ghaib and we'll teach him not to scare schoolchildren!"

From Drudge:

"Al Queda Vows To Blow Up White House."
--Yeah. Um, good luck with that. Actually this one is kind of funny because yesterday I finished reading Memorial Day by Vince Flynn, which is about Al Queda trying to light off a nuke in DC.

"GOP Furious Over Timing Of Rumsfeld Resignation."
--Funny. I think that GWB holding out on that until the day after the election may be the first truly honorable thing he's done. Ever.

Labels: headlines

I don't know about you but certainly forbidding school children from playing "tag" will make the Homeland a safer place.

I figure it makes sense. Maybe it's a ploy to discourage child predators. When the NFL made play so restrictive that it became pretty much illegal for players to tackle each other, I quit watching. Now that letting children run around and tag each other on the playground is outlawed, the pervs will loose interest in their pastime, too.

I can't FOR THE LIFE OF ME come up with any other explanation for what the hell is wrong with TAG. Now, dodgeball? That's a whole 'nother kettle of neurosis.

Labels: headlines

It seems like there is always an image that sticks with me that sort of distills a tragedy for me in my head.

I'll remember this obscenity from the news photo of an elderly Amish man standing by a building, looking up in the sky as a medical rescue helicopter took a little Amish girl away in one of the most intrusive ways possible, for the most noble and God sent reason.

I tried to imagine what he must have been thinking beyond the overall horror, to stand there and be assaulted by the sounds and winds and people and technology that came with that helicopter, to see this particular proof of the antithesis of simple, and to surely be praying that it would protect the child's life and be an instrument that might make her recovery possible.


I posted this as a comment on another blog. Decided to leave it here, too, since it is what I'm thinking about today as this Pennsylvanian community buries its dead.

Labels: headlines, opinion

I had a short visit with my favorite PCP today. When he came into the exam room he said "So how you doing?" and I said "I've been one whole hell of a lot worse!"

This is true on levels you can't imagine in my personal medical odyssey, but also something I like to remind myself of on a more "life in general" level. Clean water in four rooms in my home, safe food, great healthcare, rarely attacked by wild jackals.

Labels: headlines, medicine

Officer Rodney Johnson, 1966-2006
12 year veteran of the Houston Police Department.
Murdered today during a "routine" traffic stop.

God bless.

Labels: headlines

A pound and a half. If you're talking hamburger meat, that's enough for a nice meatloaf. If you're talking boiled peanuts, that's enough to share with another Southerner while watching "Crimes of the Heart." If you're talking gold bullion, that's enough for one year at college (not including books of course).

If you're talking weed and talking Texas, it's enough to get you room and board for life, along with a new boyfriend called "Spike".

If you're talking weed and talking Louisiana, you get a "citation". A CITATION? A citation to do what? Pick up your citizen of the year award?

Willie and his weed. At least he's consistent.

The mushrooms? Not even enough to sprinkle over a nice spinach and e-coli salad.

Understand, I don't have a problem with the Nelson Magic Mystery Tour Bus only getting 'citations'. I actually think pot should be legalized and taxed. But c'mon. A pound and a half??? You're telling me you're Willie Nelson and you don't have connections all over the country? You have to take that much with you? At once? While I understand the economics of scale, and I DO buy my toilet paper in packages of 16 rolls, a pound and a half????

Are you on your way to a cancer ward? Are you investing so the IRS can't take your money? Are you hosting a big party? Where the hell is MY invitation?

Labels: headlines

Houston is sizzling. And it's not just because "It's Hot!"*

Houston is HOT because our crime rate has increased in the last year. Maybe you've heard that some of the folks from New Orleans are not the most upstanding citizens in the world and now they're HERE. Want some? I thought not.

Houston is also HOT because once again we have a total RUBE for a police chief. His latest move has been to prohibit officers from chasing suspects who don't stop when they see the bubblegum lights behind them IF they're being pulled over for a "minor traffic offense". The problems with this policy are voluminous.

The first problem was that our police chief (get this - he actually lives in Ari-freaking-zona) told the MEDIA about the policy before he told the POLICE OFFICERS. That actually turned out to be a good thing because the outrage was so systemic that MayorBob (our chief's benefactor) had to say "Hold on, Hurtt. Let's think about this. At least until it comes off the front page of the Barnacle." Yeah, Hurtt suggests that the officer, instead of running down the criminal (because you become a FELON the second you run from a cop) they should instead make note of the license plate and a description of the suspect. This is of course VERY HELPFUL when the vehicle has been stolen. HA. HAHA.

The second problem is that stats show that something between 40-60% of the folks who run when they see the bubblegum lights run because they have outstanding warrants, are carrying drugs (and I'm not talking Viagra here), or have a stolen car in their fists. So running from a cop for a "minor traffic offense" can often actually be a sign of a much deeper problem (aside from displaying how FUCKING STUPID you are). Much like voting Republican, or Democrat for that matter, can be a sign of a MUCH deeper problem.

Segue to San Francisco. The latest treat out there on the coast doesn't have anything to do with prepackaged rice products. It has to do with a dead cop and a rabid group of media sluts who apparently think the COP is at fault for dying. The police officer died during a police chase. The scum who was being chased has a rap sheet longer than Johnny Holmes's you-know-what.

Check out this video.**

I am writing the first check to recruit this guy, Gary Delagnes, president of the San Fran Police Officer's Association, to come to Houston and be the first police chief in my memory to have the balls to get up in front of a camera and tell people that a police officer's life is valuable, that people who kill, rape, rob, and run are pieces of CRAP, and that the judges who keep putting them back on the streets should be held ACCOUNTABLE.

I am passionately in love with Gary Delanges, and he might actually knock Keith Richards out of the #1 spot in my heart. You Go Gary! Woo hoo!


*Yeah can you believe the City of Houston actually paid big bucks to a marketing firm to come up with a new "brand" for the city - apparently "Bayou City" and "Space City"*** weren't good enough - and "IT'S HOT!" was the freaking best they could come up with. "IT'S HOT!" ???? FREAKING DUH!!!

**Kuddos to Jason over at Cigars....Donuts..and Coffee for bringing this exceptional piece of video to my attention.

***The problem with "Space City" is...Clear Lake. Clear Lake is about 40 miles SOUTH of Houston and just happens to be where NASA actually lives. When you're watching live feeds from Mission Control you're watching Clear Lake, not Houston. So actually Houston's brand should be "Half An Hour North Of Space City Unless The Gulf Freeway Is Under Construction or Has A Turned Over 18-Wheeler On It AGAIN".

Labels: headlines, texas

"You know I have no political experience whatsoever."

I can't think of a better resume for the next governer of Texas. Just look at what the hell has happened with all the pedigreed pukes we've put in charge of the pink limestone!

You can get your very own Kinky talking action figure.*

You can go find out Why The Hell Not.

And you can put your money where your ideals and honor are.


*Because boy dolls aren't called dolls.

Labels: headlines, opinion, texas

Again with the "Texas, My Texas."

Think Cities, Think Water. London = Thames. Paris = Seine. New York? The Hudson River et al. EVERYBODY knows about Chicago's coastline. San Fran? Bay. Miami? Pshaw. Houston? Hmmm. Ummm...Galveston? Yeah! Houston's water is....Galveston's. Um. Water.

No, boys & girls. I give you the following snips:

"...teeming with dubiously mutant wildlife..."

"They confirmed nobody in memory had made the trip, and added that it would kill me."

"...that's how they blew up the USS Cole..."

"...mounted deer antlers on it and raced it under the name 'Taxidermy'..."

"...a tube of Pepsodent, two rat traps, and a shard of mirror."

"...and the curious gazes of a llama and a burro..."

"Three hundred thousand Mexican free-tailed bats..."

"Holy shit!"

"...Houston police officers beat up Joe Campos Torres, handcuffed him and threw him in the water to drown..."*

"...the bayou's only known flock of red vented bulbuls. "Let's kill them," he told his colleagues..."

"...seven excrement dryers..."

"...a chrome 18-wheeler gas tank brimming with marijuana."

"...the moored military cargo ships Cape Taylor, Trinity, and Texas."

"Oh, my God," the officer said. "I've never even ran across this."

Houston's water is Buffalo Bayou. Join the Houston Press for a rollicking adventure down the watery artery upon the banks of which the Allen brothers founded this urban swamp I call home.


*"Free the Moody Park Three!" (echoes from my youth)

Labels: headlines, texas

So the big headline today is that Bush said SHIT????

C'mon people...the guy can't win. So he said shit. At least he 1) pronounced it right and 2) used it correctly in an sentence.

Give the guy a break. He was trying to eat his lunch and that annoying Tony guy wouldn't leave him alone.

Labels: headlines

I'm pretty bogged down in my own life right now which is unusual. I'm not watching or reading the news much. I heard that Israel is going after Gaza. Again. Not to sound blase, but. They're redistricting in Texas. Again. Woo. Andrea Yates is on trial for murder. Again. Duh.

But I'm still trying to read. Just not anything worth reading. I hit Half Priced Books a few weeks ago and came home with a trunk full. Understand, my trunk is pretty small.

Not going so well, and the current book isn't helping. I was trolling for your basic serial-killer psycho-murderer pathologically-driven-detective kinda book. Instead I got Hollowpoint.

This guy is too good of a writer for me to read right now. The book is intricate, and he uses such beautiful words I get distracted. Maybe later when my brain is working better. Right now, I just need trash.

Labels: headlines, personal urban drama

You know how on some days you think you're just crazy and that you should just be OK with that? You know, sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, that sort of thing?

Well, then you come across a story like this one that makes you realize you're probably just fine.

Subway Rider Sliced in Power Saw Attack
© 2006 The Associated Press

NEW YORK — A man grabbed two cordless power saws off a subway station workbench and went on a rampage Thursday, swinging the saws at riders and slicing open a man's chest before running away, police said.

The 64-year-old victim, whose name was not released, was hospitalized in critical but stable condition. Police were searching for the suspect, described by witnesses as a thin man in his 30s, who had earrings in both ears and was possibly carrying a teddy bear.

I think it's the teddy bear that really helped reassure me of my own position on the sanity scale.

Labels: headlines

BIG headline on Drudge today:

Mexico Stomps Iran!

I just think that would be much more interesting if it wasn't under a picture from the World Cup.

Labels: headlines

On August 23, 2004, my car was hit by Long Ngoc Van, a man who ran a red light.

I was injured pretty badly.

While in the hospital I had a bunch of things put inside of me that were not original factory parts. There were tubes and needles and probes and human fingers. There were sharp knives and drill bits, there were staples and threads, there were rays of light illuminating private sinew, then being sucked into stranger's eyes, projecting images of my common but oh so intimate tissues onto their retinas.

These things slid into my orifices, sometimes making new ones - breaking open my skin and spilling my blood.

Slowly, most of them were removed by gentle, caring hands owned by the superhumans who had cared for my body and worked hard for a week to help me remember who, where, what, and when, to comfort my fear and pain, to ease my confusion and heal my broken body.

The stuff that didn't come out is structural - metal stuff screwed into my bones. I did recently have a THIRD surgery on my left leg that produced some really cool show-and-tell material in the form of three big assed bolts in a sterile plastic package that I like to pull out in restaurants and use as dinner conversation starters. The other bunch of metal in my arm will hopefully still be there many years from now for the forensic guys to use to help identify me if I get kidnapped and killed and dumped in the woods.

The metal doesn't concern me. There are brazillions* of people out there with metal aftermarket bits inside of them.

The part that I sometimes wonder about is the tiniest part. You have two scaphoids. REALLY. I bet you didn't know that. Well, I have one original and one that was pulverized and replaced with "artificial bone material". Now, just exactly what the hell does that mean? It's trivial in the face of all the other questions you pose to a doctor when you get him into a little room so it's not made it up the long list yet, even after almost two years.

And then I read a story like this one, a true gothic horror tale of body snatching, and well - how can a girl not wonder?


*Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, the color ran from Bush's face and he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Labels: accident, headlines, medicine

People! It's NOT 06-06-06!

For the freaking love of Charlie Brown and Vitamin D fortified milk, it's 06-06-2006.

There.

Not so scary now, eh?

Sheesh.

Labels: headlines

I'm watching the news and listening to the reporter talk about just how damned much gas* it takes to fly an F-16. The reporter is up in a refueler talking over the radio with the pilot of a F-16 while his plane sucks up the juice.

Reporter: So that plane holds about 500 gallons? And that costs the military about $1,250 a fill-up?

Pilot: All for freedom.

Reporter: How far can you fly on that?

Pilot: Far enough to reach the target and get back.

HOOZ-A!!

*I'm pretty sure the pilot was thinking "Gas??? He called it GAS??"

Labels: headlines

We will begin this post with a disclaimer: I neither support nor fight against our current war. I don't believe I have enough information to make that decision because I have been lied to by so many "Officials" I can't decide what's right and what's wrong. With that, we'll return to our regularly scheduled post.

Disclaimer #2: After I finished my prior post this morning, what I intended to be my Memorial Day post, I went surfing to read the news. I came across the information that prompted this post. I think the news that prompted this post couldn't showcase the feelings I expressing in my prior post more perfectly.

What the FUCK??

The President of The United States today appeared in his role as the leader of THE FREE WORLD today at Arlington National Cemetery. He stood there (as a draft dodger) and placed a wreath on the Tomb of The Unknown Soldier.

Then he went home and signed a new bill, the "Respect for America's Fallen Heroes Act".

Remember: LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD

Signing: LEGISLATION THAT REMOVES YET ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE FREEDOMS.

If your government is afraid of what you have to say, and your government enacts laws taking away your freedom to stand in the open air and say what you believe when you want to, then your government isn't YOURS anymore.

What a FUCKING HYPOCRITE! Maybe that protester does respect the lives of those dead soldiers, and believes that maybe they shouldn't have died, and is expressing that respect by standing up and saying so. Being president does not give George Bush the right to decide who is a good American and who isn't based upon their opinion of HIM and his policies.

FIRST, he created "ZONES" for political protesters at conventions - round them up, lock them in a controlled area away from the media and the observers and the participants. Let them rant and rave all they want as long as no one can see or hear them.

NOW, even if it's your dead soldier brother they're burying at Arlington, you do not have the right as a American citizen to stand at his funeral and shout out NO HE SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD TO DIE.

Honestly, honestly, honestly, how does taking away a freedom enjoyed by Americans for 200 years PROTECT MY FREEDOM?

Labels: headlines, opinion

Have you seen the Reese Whitherspoon movie Freeway?

It's wicked funny and she is fantastic in it.

Labels: